Good Bye Mom Guilt - Hello Mental Health

Having the job of a mom, mommy or mama comes with many mixed emotions and responsibility. Your cute kiddies can bring you lots of love, connection and joy. We all know moms always try to put their kids before themselves.

Does having kids and being a mom mean all of your wants and needs are no longer important?

We often find, in all moms- new and experienced- we carry a LOT of responsibilities. These responsibilities can come with moments that make us feel lonely, isolated or that we are simply not doing enough. 

It can become natural for mothers to fall into a cycle of carrying the weight of what feels like the world on their shoulders and neglecting themselves in the process. It is also common for moms to question their ability to be a good mother. We have all heard those intrusive thoughts, just constantly asking yourself if you are doing it all wrong? Does that seem familiar? 

Mom guilt is that feeling.

The feelings of anxiousness, doubt, or worry that you may be falling short of your expectations in some way. The symptoms of mom guilt can be extensive, last for a long time, and can be intense and intrusive in nature. Sometimes you may even feel like nothing you do is right and you may discount your accomplishments.

This leads you to believe that you cannot do anything right and then this is where we struggle. No one is perfect and therefore, we cannot expect every mom to be either. You will make mistakes, you may not succeed in everything you try to accomplish, but this I know, your kids love you. Even when you feel like you may be falling short, kids are resilient and are often able to work through their problems with the help of empathy and mutual respect. 

So, what does that mean for you, as a mom?

You may not feel like you’re being a perfect mom. The reality is, you’re probably not. Mom imperfections are NORMAL. I do not know a single person who can complete multiple jobs and balance multiple tasks, all while making zero mistakes… Do you? 

Your perception of what a “good mom” or a “perfect mom” is, comes from a thought usually not created by you. It is a construct that you have been passed down by society, your mother, your husband, or maybe even the book we read to better prepare ourselves for motherhood. The fault here is that mothers do not need to be perfect. In fact, they need to be imperfect.

Responding to your mistakes, repairing things that you have broken, and addressing your flaws as a human can also aid in building your child's ability to overcome obstacles and tackle tricky interpersonal situations. 

Your child’s psychosocial health actually benefits from your imperfections. If you were perfect, your child would not have the opportunity to learn how to learn from mistakes, apologize, forgive, love, or be HUMAN. 

So, here is your reminder: You are doing great, even when you feel that you are not doing your best. 

Our Therapists Know, Dads You Matter Too

Dads are typically overlooked when it comes to raising kids, but many of us know that without the great and positive men in our lives, we would just not be who we are. Dating back only a few short decades it was normal to think of the words “Parent” and “Mother” as synonymous.

According to previous social standards, dad’s sole purpose within a family was simply to provide and protect. Mom, on the other hand, was known to be the housekeeper, child-barer, and care taker. Due to this overwhelmingly inaccurate ideal that men were not meant to raise children, there was a stigma, that has since been challenged, that men could not be a stay at home parent or be an active member in the raising of a child.

In the 1970’s, research on fathers and parenting started coming to light. There were studies that showed that there is a direct correlation in paternal parenting to the positive impacts of emotional, social, and education development. It is actually affirmed that fathers spend more time practicing stimulation, playful activity during one-on-one interactions with infants and children than mothers do, increasing the child ability to regulate feelings and behaviors.

Fathers who have a positive involvement in their children’s lives:

• Aid in the well-being and general health of their children.

• Help their children increase self-esteem.

• Help girls to grow up having a more positive opinion of men, making healthy relationships come easily to them in the future compared to those who do not.

• Help boys establish what a great male role model and father figure are for their own future families.

Aside from the facts and the statistics, dads are awesome.

They are the first ones to teach us things like sports and roughhousing. They push you to play your hardest and work your hardest just to be the best version of you that you can be. They have the best (worst) jokes and somehow instinctually know how to rock a barbeque grille the moment their first child is born. There is no car problem they cannot fix and no heart they cannot mend. At the end of the day, we know they are human and maybe sometimes make mistakes, but we love them anyways. Thank you to all the awesome dads out there. We wouldn’t have known what it’s like to have the world’s best hamburger if it wasn’t for you!

What does domestic violence teach children?

Domestic violence is a private matter that has been brought into the public eye much in part to the NFL and the poor decisions of some football players. Many of us have heard the story about Ray Rice's wife and about their troubled marriage. Much of the talk about domestic violence is usually spent discussing what the parents are experiencing and although this is important, I ask "what about the kids?" Many people do not realize how domestic violence impacts a child's physical, mental and emotional development. 

By witnessing domestic violence a child can learn.....   

that hitting or yelling at others is an appropriate way of communicating 
hitting or yelling equals respect 
by hitting or yelling other people listen to you
physical strength is more important than anything else
to have difficulty trusting other adults and parents
to fight peers at school and break things at home
that a foundation for a relationship is fighting 
in all relationships someone must be submissive
physical strength is emotional strength
that all men or women are violent (depending on who is the abuser) 
the poor ability to cope with stress or anxiety 
the poor ability to resolve problems without fighting or arguing 
to have low self esteem related to self blame for the domestic violence
to be afraid when other people are yelling around the 
to hide their problems in the face of fear 
to not trust mom and dad since they can barely trust themselves 
to be insecure with themselves and others 
and that all adults are violent people  

Domestic violence is violence against a family unit, everyone is impacted. Children are very much affected by what they see and hear at home. A simple verbal argument among adults can start a downward spiral in their young minds. If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence relationship, I ask that you please find help, maybe not for yourself but definitely for your children. 

Parents have no fear, August is here!

As the days of the new school year are slowly approaching, the summer calm is winding down. Parents are excited for their children to leave the house and be back at school. As much as I hear parents cheering, their children are not. Now if we could all just be on the same page? 

Here are some great ways for everyone to slowly transition back to school while still being in the "summer" mindset!

1. Set an adjusted bed time: Simulating a "school night" bed time prior to the start of school, will help your family begin to feel as if back to school is almost here. This is a tool to ease your kids in transitioning to an ideal bed time!

2. Schedule a time for homework: Many kids have to read books or complete projects during summer break. Right now would be a great time to make sure these assignments are completed and will be turned in on time. Sit with your kids, ask them to schedule a couple of hours a day for school work during their last summer weeks. If no homework needs to be completed, assign them homework assignments (you can find simulated school worksheets online). 

3. Plan back to school snacks: This can help ease children back to their school routine and increase their excitement for the new school year. Talk about healthy and tasty snacks that they may enjoy eating their first week back at school. This will give them something to look forward to! 

4. Go back to school shopping: For many children this is the best part of back to school. The new sneakers, shirts, notebooks and markers. Plan a budget together and go shopping together! Encourage your child to pick out an agenda book and notebooks, that they can use to start the year in an organized fashion. 

5. Explore the school: This is a must if your child will be attending a new school! It will help calm their nerves on the first day of class. Go tour the school together and find where their class is, the nearest bathrooms, office and lunch room. 

6. Talk about making and keeping friends: Discussing with your child how to meet new friends and maintain old friends is a social skill that they can always have handy. Practice meeting new kids through role-plays, to help calm their anxiety. Some children are more excited about meeting new friends and will use this as motivation for wanting to go back to school. 

Make these last weeks a back to school practice, by reminding your child of all the positive activities that await this new school year!

How is your teens self esteem?

As parents most of you believe you are in touch with your teen and would be able to tell if there was a problem growing at school or at home. One of the easiest ways to be aware about how your teen is feeling is to pay attention to how self confident they are feeling or acting.  Is your teen isolated, have little to no friends, are they talkative, are they moody or do you simply not know any of these answers? 

If you are unsure of your teen's self esteem level, here are some steps you can take to learn about their self confidence: 

1. Keep an open dialect: Ask, listen and summarize when you have conversations. This will help establish trust and keep your relationship growing. If they are answering poorly or barely answering, they may be hiding their low self esteem. If they are talking to you, you can learn about their self esteem just by listening.  

2. Meet their friends: They spend about half their time at school with their friends. Ask them to invite friends over, meet their friends and get to know them. Learn what their hobbies and interests are. Are your teens friends involve din drug use or sexual activity? If yes, this can be a sign of low self esteem. Judge as a parent how your teen is choosing friends and if they are genuine. 

3. Be observant: Look for signs of unhappiness, worry, sadness or anger. Mood swings to a certain extent are common in teens but if it is prolonged or excessive this can be a sign of anxiety or depression. 

Use the above steps to recognize your teens self esteem. Repeat the steps until you see that your teen is confident, if you see warning signs that your teen has low self esteem do not feel frustrated. Pick up the phone and do not hesitate to contact a professional! 

10 Tips for Parenting Kids with ADHD

1. Organize yourself: Place backpacks, clothing and toys in the same place everyday 

2. Avoid becoming distracted: Do not turn on the TV, MP3 or computer while completing another task 

3. Limit your choices: Offer children a choice between no more than two items (food, clothing, toy...) 

4. Communicate tasks as simple as possible: Use clear, brief and concise directions 

5. Have a reward system: Use charts and list realistic attainable goals and track positive behavior

6. Discipline effectively: Do not use spanking or yelling, instead have limited timeouts and remove privileges as a consequence 

7. Have a routine: Follow the most similar structure daily 

8. Use positive language: Tell your child what you want them to do, not what you want them to not do 

9.  Do not blame: Blaming children will negatively impact their self esteem 

10. Be hands on: Have fun, play outside and save some time during the day for just your child (no distractions) 

Be a Consistent Parent

Consistency is one of the many tools that parents need to carry in their tool box. Children need a structured and safe environment to grow in. Having parents who are consistent with rules, rewards and punishments helps to instill desired behavior in children. When children learn to predict a behavior has a consequence and this consequence is ALWAYS enforced, the child will grasp the idea that consequences do exist as a result of my behavior. 

It becomes confusing to children when mommy and daddy are both enforcing different rules or have a separate set of punishments all together. This confusion in children can cause an uproar of protest and rebellion may follow. As parents we have the responsibility to sit with each other and agree on a consistent parenting method for the benefit of our children. If a child can feel safe and predict outcomes in his/her environment it will reduce unwanted behavior; increase self esteem and responsibility.